Well there it was, I believed I had ovulated ,we had taken care of business and I found myself sitting and waiting to find out the big news. Even though I’m a nurse and totally know how the whole getting pregnant stuff works, I found myself on online forums, hungry for knowledge about ways to know I was pregnant. Sweet lord I discovered the inanity that goes with women who want to get pregnant. People even post up symptoms they had starting at one day post ovulation, which I’m sorry, is not possible. No matter how ridiculous it was, I was glued to the computer, reading and identifying my “symptoms” with all the other ladies out there.
Then, came that six days before my missed period day, and I couldn’t resist, I had to test( I mean obviously I would explode if I had to wait until I missed by period). So off I went to the store, so full of hope and buzzing with excitement. It was so great going to purchase a test hoping for it be positive. I got home and took the test. I saw no second line. So I did what any reasonable person would do, I held the test in every type of light possible. I mean, the second line had to be there, it was just hiding right?! Hmmm no line, clearly the test wanted me to break it open for a better look. Eventually, I gave up and accepted that the result was, in fact, negative. It wasn’t quite how I imagined that test going, but I told myself “it’s early, there’s time.” I’m about the most impatient person known to man and therefore I continued to test, everyday….each one negative. Then, came the day I expected my period and didn’t get it. I was so overjoyed it didn’t come. I was still in the game. We were going to be that magical couple that got pregnant the first try. The baby would be due in July, a summer baby, I’d be fat and swollen in the dead of summer, but it would be ok because it was for a good cause.
Five days later, I got my period.
About two to three weeks into my baby making adventure my phone rang and it was one of my absolute best friends. We’re going to call her “Monica.” (I love Friends, and this is the friend she resembles most). Monica had big news, she went off birth control about a week ago and was trying to start a family. Originally, Monica’s husband wanted to put this off for another year, but she really wanted to start their family and after much begging and long discussions he agreed they could take the plunge. I was genuinely excited to have such a close friend join me on this adventure.
Monica and I have been friends longer than we haven’t. We bonded way back in seventh grade over a mutual love of cats at a Christmas party. Since then we had years of memories and incriminating fashion choices. Having a baby at the same time as my friend was like a dream come true. We had always joked about how great that would someday be. Having a baby is such a big experience that I figured it was going to be great to have someone to call who would always be down to talk about pregnancy and babies. Already it was fun to have Monica join the crazy party where you analyze every last “symptom” to decide if it could mean that you’re pregnant.
Call me naive but I was never prepared for how our stories unfolded.
Oh yes, you read that title accurately. It’s such a weird experience to have sex knowing you could actually get pregnant. Look, yes we women all know it’s always a possibility (eyeroll). However, this was a genuine possibility, not a because my birth control failed possibility. I didn’t want to get too crazy. I wasn’t down to take my temperature every morning or to use an ovulater predictor kit. I felt like I knew enough people that it just happened for that I didn’t need to get that technical. Plus, I want baby making to be fun, not scientific. Now, I did keep track of the days of my cycle in terms of knowing about when I would ovulate and made sure we did it every other day; which was a bit tricky because I was working nights at the time (I’m nurse….and yes my husband enjoyed cracking jokes that “my wife works nights”). Ok so maybe that first month we weren’t perfect on the every other day but I was certain we had our business meeting during our deadline….see what I did there?
My husband was bit anxious about this reality that this month could find me pregnant. See I married a big worrier and stressor so the idea of being a dad, while happy, created a lot of stress for him. He even kind of wanted to avoid doing it when it was what I calculated as “go time.” My husband wasn’t taking back his decision but the reality was sinking in. Truthfully, it was sinking in for me that month too, but I was super ready for it all. So when he tried to stall, I held him accountable to his promise that we were doing this and did my best to throw out “it will all be fine….if teenagers across America survive parenthood, so can we.”
*fact that is a lyric from the most ridiculous R. Kelly song ever called “Pregnant.” You should definitely youtube that immediately because it’s hilarious*
Like most things in life, I was ready for a baby before my husband. Yes, I know there’s the occasional rare case where the husband’s ready first, but this wasn’t our case. We bought our first house and I finally was in a place careerwise that it made sense. At first, my husband really wanted to wait longer as he had this idea in his mind about how he didn’t want to be a dad before 30….then I amazed him with pregnancy math and showed him that in the fastest timeline possible, he’d be a dad maybe a week before he turned 30. After reviewing the math, he agreed I could go off the pill.
It was exhilarating taking that last pill. I felt like we were on the brink of this incredible journey. I walked around the house fantasizing about how I would tell him the happy news when it happened and enjoyed walking into our junk room that would soon be a nursery. I mentally rearranged nursery furniture and dreamed about watching the sunrise with a little burrito of a baby in my arms swaying in a rocking chair together. I’d look at the extra bathroom that we had dubbed to someday be “the kid’s bathroom” and could already hear the giggles of bubbles and bath time in our near future.
I was giddy beyond belief and at the same time a healthy amount of nervous. I mean, I think that it’s fair and normal to feel slightly overwhelmed at the idea of being responsible for a tiny human, totally dependent on you. Giddy and nervous I tossed that last pack of pills into the trash, preparing myself not to get disappointed if it didn’t happen the first month but feeling oddly certain that it would.
A very good place to start…Sound of Music reference anyone?
Today hits a weird mark in my life. Here I am, a day away from being 28 and it feels a bit strange. 27 was supposed to be my year of motherhood, but it turned out so very differently. We’ve officially spent more than a year trying to bring a mini version of us into the world. That stings and sucks. And like a teenager I can’t help but cry “it feels like no one really understands.” *insert me crying and dramatically slamming a door here* I don’t know what is about today but I feel motivated to start writing about my experience. Not because the internet isn’t flooded with tales like mine, but because there are so many emotions and ups and downs that go with encountering having that path to parenthood not being exactly what you think it will be. Even as I write this now, I’m still filled with hope, like maybe writing this will just be ironic and funny because somehow this will magically be our month. Futile or not I’m here writing my story because even if this is magically our month, I still want to tell my story because it happens often and nothing is worse than feeling alone in something; if my story helps one person feel less alone about this, then I feel like I’ve served my purpose. Happy reading.